章节一

之所以选择出国留学是因为大四那年的第一场招聘会把我吓着了。

The reason I chose to study abroad was that the first job fair in my senior year terrified me.

其实我条件挺不错的，至少我自己坚持这么认为。

Actually, I thought my qualifications were quite good, at least I insisted on believing that.

北Y大不算什么一流大学，但是足够我在写简历时不用遮遮掩掩。

Beijing Y University isn't exactly a top-tier university, but it's sufficient for me to write my resume without being evasive.

大一时曾借机混在学生会里，以帮忙搬桌椅之名和同系女生搭讪，所以在学校工作一栏，我理直气壮的冒充了下外联部长，把几个听上去挺响亮其实总共不超过50人参加的活动包圆在自己帐下。

In my freshman year, I took the opportunity to sneak into the student union under the pretense of helping move tables and chairs to chat with girls from my department. So in the work experience section of my resume, I confidently claimed to be the head of external relations, bundling several activities that sounded impressive but had a total attendance of fewer than 50 people under my name.

专业课成绩虽然偶有岌岌可危的情景，但在我软磨硬泡百般讨好不择手段牺牲色相的努力中，老师们都很配合的在期末给了我60分的合格。

Although my grades in major courses were occasionally on the verge of disaster, through my persistence, flattery, and even sacrificing my appearance to please the teachers, they conveniently awarded me a passing score of 60 at the end of the semester.

所以成绩表不算亮眼，但至少一片蓝色。

So while my transcript wasn't particularly impressive, it was at least passable.

外加上我不够英俊潇洒，但还勉强风流倜傥的外貌，我还真比较自信。

Plus, even though I wasn’t exactly handsome, my somewhat charming appearance gave me a bit of confidence.

“月薪3000以下根本不考虑！单位给配车我还得问问索纳塔还是帕萨特！年终奖至少够万才能和我谈，否则，没戏！”

“Anything below a monthly salary of 3000 is not worth considering! If the company offers a car, I still need to ask whether it's a Sonata or a Passat! The year-end bonus must be at least 10,000 for me to even talk, otherwise, there’s no chance!”

这是那天我去参加招聘会前跟同屋放的话。

This was what I said to my roommate before heading to the job fair that day.

虽然比较搞笑，但还证明我曾经万丈豪情过。

It was somewhat funny, but it also proved I used to have high aspirations.

我的自信在排了2小时队仍没能进入会场时已经几近消失。

My confidence had nearly evaporated by the time I had queued for two hours and still hadn’t managed to enter the venue.

在这个过程中，我深深的论述了一遍人口论，社会发展论，独生子女生存现状，中国就业问题等等。

During this process, I deeply contemplated topics such as population theory, social development theory, the survival situation of only children, and China's employment issues, among others.

想当年我们刚出生的时候争床位，入幼儿园的时候争小红花，入少先队的时候争第一批，小生初争保送名额，初升高的时候1：8，高考时1：4，找工作的时候1：N！

I remembered how, when we were born, we fought for bed space, in kindergarten we competed for little red flowers, when joining the Young Pioneers we aimed for the first batch, in junior high school we scrambled for recommendation spots, in high school, the ratio was 1:8, and during the college entrance exam, it was 1:4. Now applying for jobs, it's 1:N!

真是在独木桥上成长，在战火中前进啊！

We truly grew up walking on a narrow bridge, progressing through the flames of war!

最后我得出结论：我们真TM的不容易！

When I finally managed to get inside the venue, I thought I could finally showcase my abilities, but it turned out to be challenging just to get close to the booths.

好不容易进到会场内，我以为终于可以大展拳脚，那想到挤身接近展台都困难。

The ground was covered with flyers and resumes, and there were bustling shouts everywhere. Looking around, all sorts of people were using their tricks to move forward.

满地传单简历，满处吆喝叫喊，放眼望去各色人等纷纷使出绝招前进。

A guy scorned a student from a certain union university beside him, confidently handing over his resume while loudly saying, “I’m from Beike University!”

一男生鄙视身边某联大学生，递简历时大声说：“我是北科的！”

The union university student backed down.

联大败退。

Another guy immediately stood up, “I’m from Beihang University!”

另一男生马上站出来：“我是北航的！”

Beike University student backed down.

北科败退。

Yet another boy shoved him aside and announced, “I’m from Peking University!”

又一男生推开他说：“我是北大的！”

Beihang University student backed down.

北航败退。

Just as he was gloating over his superiority, a voice from behind chimed in, “I’m from Peking University too, but I’m a graduate student.”

就在他得意洋洋傲视群雄时，身后有一声音响起：“我也北大的，研究生。”

All the undergraduate students backed down…

众本科生皆败退……

This scene reminded me of the comedic skit "Reporting Dish Names," which could easily be retitled "Reporting School Names" to entertain the masses.

此情此景让我想起《报菜名》那相声完全可以改为《报校名》来娱乐大众。

Walking further, I noticed many girls crowding around one booth. The most eye-catching feature on their resumes wasn’t their alma mater or their professional qualifications, but rather their nearly five-inch glamour shots, making me feel as if I’d stumbled into a super girl selection event.

再往前走看见很多女生挤在一展台前，她们的简历封皮上最醒目的不是毕业院校，不是专业水准，而是几乎5寸大的靓照，让我以为自己误入超级女生选拔赛现场。

Two girls walked past me.

两个女孩从我身边走过。

Girl A asked, “Do you think there’s a chance?”

甲说：“你觉得有戏么？”

Girl B answered, “Unlikely, those girls from a second language program don’t look too bad. The manager is already smiling at them!”

乙说：“悬，那几个二外的看着还行。那经理都对她们笑出皱纹了！”

Girl A sighed, “They do look good. Do you know XX from the first class? She got double eyelid surgery three months in advance, and it looks natural. XXX just got hers done a few days ago, and it’s obviously fake. Plus, she has eyeliner drawn on; oh dear.”

甲叹气：“她们是弄得挺好看的。你知道一班XX么？她提前3月拉的双眼皮，看着就自然。XXX前两天才拉，明显假。还描眼线，哎哟。”

Girl B said, “That’s why she took those photos costing 380 each, to cover it up!”

乙说：“所以她才照380一套的那种照片，掩饰一下呗！”

I stared in astonishment at them, thinking indeed, job issues have stimulated domestic demand, and the cosmetic surgery and portrait photography markets have expanded just like that.

我惊愕地看着她们，心想就业问题果然拉动内需，整容市场和写真市场就这么被扩大了。

I finally found a company that I met the qualifications for, and just as I wanted to introduce my strengths, a middle-aged man walked up and handed a resume to the person in charge.

终于找到一个我还符合条件的单位，就在我想介绍一下自己优势的时候，一个大叔走了过来，递上一份简历给负责人。

“Please take a look at this; I have relevant work experience!” he said ingratiatingly.

“您看看我这个，我有相关工作经验！”他谄媚的说。

I looked up and down and didn’t see him as a 22-year-old young man, so I interrupted him, “Um... sir, isn’t today’s job fair aimed at graduating university students? You…”

我上下左右的看都不觉得他是22岁左右的大好青年，于是打断他：“那个……叔叔，今天的招聘会不是面向毕业大学生么？您……”

“I’m also a graduated university student! Look, here’s a copy of my certificate! I graduated just a few years earlier than you!” he proclaimed earnestly.

“我也是毕业的大学生呀！看看，这是证书复印件！比你没早几年！”他一脸义正言辞。

I thought to myself how could this person be so clueless, snatching jobs meant for younger generations, and confidently cutting in line, I laughed lightly and said, “You can’t say that, you graduated a few years earlier.

我心想这人怎么这么不懂事，跟孩子辈的抢饭碗，还排队加塞理直气壮，笑笑说：“您不能这么说，还是早那么几年的。

When you were getting your first paycheck, I was probably just born.

您领第一份工资的时候，我估计刚刚呱呱落地。

While you were making your mark in the business world, I was busy playing with mud.

你驰骋商场的时候，我正和泥拍画儿。

When you were having your wedding, I had just put on a red scarf to join the Young Pioneers.

您结婚洞房的时候，我刚戴上红领巾加入少先队。

When you were still striving to achieve your dreams, I had just officially become a flower of the Motherland, planning to dedicate my life to socialism.

您壮志未酬和我相遇的时候，我刚正式成为祖国花朵打算为社会主义奉献终身。

What’s more, I still have to call you ‘uncle,’ right?”

怎么着我还得管您叫叔叔呢，是不？”

He sighed, “That’s right, so while I have elderly parents and young children to take care of, and I'm in a hurry, you’re still leisurely looking for jobs while having fun!”

他叹了口气：“没错，所以我上有老下有小急地没辙的时候，你还溜达着边玩边找工作呢！”

At that moment, I had nothing to say. Looking at the weariness on his face, I realized he was also a lost soul in this world!

这下我没得说了，看看他一脸沧桑，那也是天涯沦落人啊！

“You have experience as an assistant at S Company?” the person in charge suddenly asked.

“你在S公司做过助理？”负责人突然问。

“Yes, yes, yes.” The uncle nodded vigorously, “So I’m very familiar with the relevant business! You can investigate further!”

“啊对对对。”大叔点头如捣蒜，“所以相应业务还是很熟悉的！您可以进一步考察！”

Seeing that they showed no interest in me anymore, I decided to sacrifice myself, reclaiming each resume worth 5.5 yuan, and after wandering around for two laps in the venue, I left.

眼看人家对我没什么兴趣了，我顺势作出牺牲，要回了自己每份价值5.5元人民币的简历，在会场转悠了两圈就出去了。

At that moment, I decided that all roads lead to Rome; it seems I need to take an indirect route to save myself in this job search!

那时候我就决定，条条大路通罗马，工作这事，看来要曲线自救！